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New Year? New White Sox

Here are some New Year’s Resolutions, as Auld Lang Syne plays softly in the distance

Minnesota Twins v Chicago White Sox
Please don’t hate me. It was Tony’s fault.
Michael Reaves/Getty Images

As I reflect on the year and think of how I want my 2023 to go, I tend to set a resolution or two.

Do I ever stick to them? Absolutely not.

Instead of coming up with something generic for myself, like drinking more water and setting better boundaries, I’ve decided to create resolutions for some of the White Sox players and leadership. Hopefully, their willpower is better than mine.

Let’s start in the outfield:

Andrew Benintendi: To avoid the discourse, I won’t suggest getting vaccinated. Instead, I would like to see a powerful at-bat. I was very lukewarm on this acquisition, especially because Benintendi is getting so much money. Benintendi in the outfield is fine, because my only request was that the White Sox would get a legitimate outfielder. His at-bats though? Prepare for singles. I want Benitendi to put the ball in the air this season.

If that doesn’t happen, I hope this does:

Eloy Jiménez: Avoid the netting and walls. I’m begging you. My other hope for the Big Baby is to accept that DH’ing isn’t the end of the world. It’s a great position for him to (fingers crossed) stay healthy and help the team win some games.

Luis Robert: Bring that La Pantera energy out. I know it’s there, and I want to see him fully embrace his potential.

Gavin Sheets: Sigh. This is more for the new manager, but please keep Sheets out of the outfield.

Infielders are next:

Andrew Vaughn: You’ve got big shoes to fill, buddy. Gone are the days when you’ll die in the outfield in a position you weren’t meant to play. José Abreu seemed to be the mentor everyone needed, so my hope for Vaughn is that he will follow in those footsteps, so that in a few years fans will also request his statue.

Leury García: I took to Twitter for some feedback on Leury Legend’s resolution. @WhiteSoxGolfer suggested, “try not to be awful.” Daryl had a wonderful response as well.

Tim Anderson: Win another batting title. What’s stopping you? Last season was abysmal, so bring that fire back.

Yoán Moncada: Look, I love you on the White Sox, but I’m missing the budding music career. Desastre Personal Part II when?

Let’s move on to catchers:

Yasmani Grandal: More of this, please! Seriously though. This interview hyped me up for 2023. Also, give me an excuse to use the Moneyball gif all season. Walks, singles, home runs, I don’t care. I just want Grandal on base.

Seby Zavala: Zavala was pretty OK with defense, and could actually frame. Carry on with that in 2023. And maybe another three-home run game?

Now for some pitching:

Dylan Cease: Making it into the running for the AL Cy Young is impressive as is. My resolution for Cease this year is to win the damn thing.

Lance Lynn: I need the Big Bastard energy again this season. If players have to start a friendly fight about various types of meat, I’m all for it. Whatever gets his blood pumping so he can dominate on the mound and light a fire under everyone’s asses to score some runs, go for it.

Michael Kopech: My man. I need Kopech to stay healthy so he can have consistent starts that lead to longer innings. The most frustrating thing to watch is all that talent sitting on the bench after falling off the mound.

Lucas Giolito: It’s time to get back to basics. The muscle gain didn’t help in 2022. Giolito went from being the Worst Pitcher in Baseball to throwing a no-hitter during a shorter pandemic season, and back to being, well, not great. Work with Ethan Katz a little bit more and get back to the good Giolito.

Liam Hendriks: As I type this, Hendriks is still on the White Sox. Unless the White Sox are offered a unicorn leading directly to a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, Hendriks should stay put. All I want in 2023 is more pride acknowledgment, more audible swearing, and a little less drama packed into a White Sox uniform. No notes.

Aaron Bummer: Remember that really good slider? Bring that back. And per Colleen Sullivan: Get bones that are not hollow bird bones.

Reynaldo López: I’m a ReyLo stan. I’m even more of a Lasik López stan. I hope ReyLo can stretch out this year and start a few games or be a great backup for when Michael Kopech might struggle. If the ball is in López’s hands, I feel good about the game.

Mike Clevinger: This acquisition was not well-received by many, so I’ll keep this one simple. Three things: Don’t spread COVID, maybe rethink your friendship with Trevor Bauer, and just don’t suck.

Joe Kelly: The meme is only funny if Kelly is good. I never felt great knowing the ball was in Kelly’s hands last season. I want to see Dodgers-era/owning the Astros Joe Kelly, not nerve damage/lack of command 2022 Joe Kelly.

Garrett Crochet: Welcome back! Please be ready to close just in case Rick Hahn does something dumb. (Even though you SHOULD be a starter.)

And finally, bonus round!

Rick Hahn: Unless you’re actively building a team that will have a parade this season, it’s time to step down like you promised to do.

Pedro Grifol: Honestly, the bar is in hell. As long as Grifol is awake and knows the rules, I’m good.

Jerry Reinsdorf: SELL THE TEAM.