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Rumor has it: White Sox 4, Rockies 2

If a streaker runs through in a forest, but no one is there to see him ...

Chicago Cubs v Chicago White Sox
As far as we are aware, no Sasquatches were harmed during the completion of Liam Hendriks’ wild inning.
Chris Bernacchi/Diamond Images via Getty Images

The White Sox prevailed in the desert today, besting the Colorado Rockies by a final score of 4-2. As is the case with most early spring matchups, its box score consists of an avalanche of names:

That’s 35 position players combined, by my count.

Not to mention the 15 different pitchers that we saw today.

“Who are these ***ing guys?”

It was difficult to cobble together the story behind the box score, but here’s what I’ve been able to discern:

Leury García tried to lead things off for the White Sox but was apparently chased off by some kind of desert Sasquatch. Luis Robert and Gavin Sheets took care of things after that.

García remained timid for the rest of the game, and the Sasquatch remains at large.

On behalf of my readers, I was paying closest attention to Vince Velasquez. While the second inning was a little touch-and-go, Velasquez ultimately exited the game with two scoreless innings under his belt. Having completed a short outing, he then returned to his paused game of Metroid and a plate of Tontino’s pizza rolls.

Liam Hendriks took over for Velasquez in the third. Liam had trouble with control, walking three, and got himself into a bases-loaded jam. He worked out of it, striking out Sam Hilliard to end the inning. At that point, the sheer magnitude of the language escaping Liam’s lips registered a 6.9 on the Richter scale. The game was delayed as seismologists from the U.S. Geological Survey completed their research.

In the top of the fifth, Danny Mendick reached on a fielder’s choice. After the play, a visibly intoxicated and completely nude fan ran into the field of play, picked Mendick clear off the ground, and carried him 90 feet before he was taken down by the sweeping leg of Joe McEwing. The official scorer deemed the play to be two stolen bases.

In a continued effort to win the approval of Tony La Russa, two Birmingham Barons stars made today’s highlight reel. Yoelqui Céspedes made an impressive throw from center field to gun down Colorado’s Zac Veen as he tried to go from first to third on a single, and Luis Basabe put one right over the fence in left field. (Unfortunately for Céspedes and Basabe, these plays happened to take place after the coaching staff ducked out early to attend a matinee showing of The Batman.)


On a personal note, readers, thank you for indulging me in this exercise of silliness. Tomorrow, the White Sox will take on the L.A. Dodgers for a game that will actually be televised, so you won’t have to read any nonsense. Well, Colleen Sullivan is making her recap debut for the game, so maybe a little nonsense.

In the meantime, if you have any information on the whereabouts of any desert sasquatches, please contact the staff at SSS immediately.

Poll

Who was the MVP of Sunday’s 4-2 White Sox win over the Colorado Rockies?

This poll is closed

  • 2%
    Danny Mendick: 0-for-3, R, RBI, 2 SB, 2 LOB
    (4 votes)
  • 1%
    Yoelqui Céspedes: 0-for-1, CF assist at 3B
    (3 votes)
  • 24%
    Luis Basabe: 1-for-1, R, RBI, pinch-hit HR in 8th
    (38 votes)
  • 29%
    Luis Robert, 1-for-2, 2B, R, RBI, SF, K
    (45 votes)
  • 26%
    Bennett Sousa: IP, 3 K, HOLD
    (40 votes)
  • 15%
    Will Carter, 1 2⁄3 IP, Sv, 14 pitches/10 strikes
    (23 votes)
153 votes total Vote Now

Poll

Who was the Cold Cat of Sunday’s 4-2 White Sox win over the Colorado Rockies?

This poll is closed

  • 17%
    Liam Hendriks: IP, 3 BB, K, HOLD
    (20 votes)
  • 50%
    Kade McClure: 1 1⁄3 IP, 6 H, 2 R, ER, 2 K, HOLD
    (57 votes)
  • 4%
    Zach Remillard: 0-for-1, K, E
    (5 votes)
  • 28%
    Zack Collins: 0-for-2, K. GIDP, LOB
    (32 votes)
114 votes total Vote Now