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White Sox vs. Cubs: RIVALRY ROW (the British kind)

The definitive head-to-head guide for your South Siders and the team from the Lakeview East Shopping Plaza

MLB: Chicago Cubs at Chicago White Sox
Sure, Patrick Wisdom is pretty good, but where does he rank compared to Yoán Moncada on the dance-pop charts?
Kamil Krzaczynski-USA TODAY Sports

As we quickly approach the start of a season that we weren’t sure was even going happen, everyone is itching to face off against their bitter rivals.

Well, it’s time to scratch that itch, as the White Sox play their penultimate game of spring training 2022, a matchup against the team from the stadium across the street from the Jeni’s Ice Cream and Harley Davidson apparel store.

In this guide, we will compare the two potential Crosstown Opening Day lineups, position by position, and project who has the better shot at taking the crown in this year’s El Series.

(If you care to check in on last year’s Head-2-Head, it may be instructive.)


CATCHER: Yasmani Grandal vs. Willson Contreras

Grandal is coming off one of the more perplexing offensive seasons in recent memory. He is a walking machine, with enough swagger to make the ladies swoon with a simple glance. Big things are expected from this big backstop.

Contreras is without question a solid protector of the plate. However, a recent research study showed he is easily distracted by Maui Jim sunglasses and Tommy Bahama shirts. This could spell trouble, as that is the unofficial uniform of Cubs fans at Wrigley.

Advantage: White Sox

FIRST BASE: José Abreu vs. Frank Schwindel

Abreu is one of the most iconic players ever to put on the black pinstripes. Despite being on the older end of the age spectrum, José is still a natural leader who we anticipate will continue to rise to the occasion.

Schwindel has a high ceiling, but due a severe Axe Body Spray allergy (the official odor of the Chicago Cubs), there is concern about his ability to breathe within the friendly confines.

Advantage: White Sox

SECOND BASE: Josh Harrison vs. Nick Madrigal

Harrison, who is known for being one of the friendliest guys in the game, is a welcome addition to an already-fun group. We expect a solid defensive presence, as well as a base-running boost from this smiling stud.

Nick Madrigal will be making his MLB debut. There is currently no scouting report available for Nick Madrigal.

Advantage: White Sox

SHORTSTOP: Tim Anderson vs. Andrelton Simmons

Anderson has become one of the finest shortstops in the game. His bat is a weapon, and his bat fling can be seen from space. The face of the franchise will once again be a terror at the plate and we anticipate a slight uptick in defense as well.

Simmons is a defensive upgrade from Javier Baéz, but fans of the ivy bumblers will be left blasé with Andrelton’s distinct lack of “no-look” tags and other antics.

Advantage: White Sox

THIRD BASE: Yoán Moncada vs. Patrick Wisdom

Moncada, after a somewhat underwhelming 2021 season (still, one of the best seasons by a third baseman last year), should have a major resurgence. His chains will be as gold as his next dance album, and Yoán will rule the hot corner once again.

Wisdom is by no means a slouch. But his latest single, “Wisdom Warrior,” disappoints on apocalyptic levels. The “W” on that droopy flag doth not stand for “Wisdom.”

Advantage: White Sox

LEFT FIELD: Eloy Jiménez vs. Seiya Suzuki

The buoyant and bubbly Eloy is in line for a riotously fun year. Huge numbers are expected from the Big Baby and as long as he doesn’t try to be a hero on defense, we could see him crushing 50+ homers at the Rate this year.

Suzuki, who will be playing his first major league season, comes with a whirlwind of anticipation. We actually do expect an exciting debut from Suzuki, but with his very publicly-acknowledged fear of ivy, his rookie year could be rather chaotic.

Advantage: White Sox

CENTER FIELD: Luis Robert vs. Who Cares

Advantage: White Sox

RIGHT FIELD: AJ Pollock vs. Jason Heyward

The newest member of the White Sox could finally be the answer the South Side has been searching for in right field. Pollock, when healthy, brings a fierce bat to the Sox order and is a refreshing step up from the slew of minor league first baseman that the Sox would have in right field otherwise.

Heyward is very tall and very handsome. He’s got a cannon, and can occasionally send the ball to the moon with one swing of the bat. However, he has an affliction in which he immediately vomits upon seeing someone else vomit. And with the constant regurgitation of $16 Old Styles in the Wrigley bleachers, Heyward might be wrenching his way around the outfield grass.

Advantage: White Sox

PITCHING:

The White Sox will have two starters in contention for the Cy Young, with a bullpen that can close out games with the best of them.

The Cubs has Marcus Stroman, who is great on Twitter.

Advantage: White Sox