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[Lights come up on the office of Chicago White Sox general manager Rick Hahn. Hahn is seated behind a large desk, which has several stacks of paper on it. Three chairs are in a semicircle facing the desk. Hall-of-Famer Baseball Person enters, obviously upset.]
HOFBP
This is an outrage.
HAHN
Excuse me?
HOFBP
Don’t play the innocent with me. You know the rules. You don’t call me, I call you. When and if I feel like it.
HAHN
You’re forgetting the papal audience clause in the agreement. Did my messenger properly kneel and then kiss your Hall of Fame ring before she begged you to come with her?
HOFBP
Well, yes. But you’d never used that clause before. I though it was only for emergencies, like fire or a tornado or Queen Elizabeth pleading for a chance to get an autograph.
HAHN
Well, this is sort of an emergency. Please have a seat, Hall-of-Famer Baseball Person.
HOFBP
(sits, angrily)
This better be quick. You interrupted one of my favorite episodes of Fibber McGee and Molly, the one about the income tax return.
HAHN
This can be very brief. (picks up several sheets of paper) If you’ll just sign these, you can get back to your show.
HOFBP
I didn’t bring my bifocals. What is this?
HAHN
It’s your resignation.
HOFBP
Resignation? From what?
HAHN
As manager of the White Sox.
HOFBP
(smirks)
You’re kidding. Why would I resign? I’ve got a job for life … either my life or Jerry Reinsdorf’s. Or both.
HAHN
I tried to cover multiple reasons. This one (holds up paper) says “to spend more time with my family” …
HOFBP
As if.
HAHN
(holds up another paper)
This one says “in order to help my animal friends more”
HOFBP
Ha! Let the ungrateful beasts rot!
HAHN
(reaches for another paper)
This is my favorite “in order to concentrate on writing my memoirs”
HOFBP
(snorts)
I already wrote my memoirs … One Last Strike … pretty damned terrific.
HAHN
But that was before you became Hall-of-Famer Baseball Person. Think of all the new things you’ll have to add … being inducted into the Hall, working in the front offices of the Diamondbacks and Angels and ruining both teams, driving so under the influence you pass out or ram into a sidewalk, getting a big laugh out of how you were hired by the White Sox … the list goes on, and since they’ll be your memories and no one can blame your memory for being a little hazy at this point in life, you can twist things any way you want. Heck, you can even make today all your idea. I promise not to contradict you.
HOFBP
Be hard to top the first one.
HAHN
Well, I just checked, and One Last Strike is No. 2,649,433 on the Amazon bestseller list.
HOFBP
So?
HAHN
So Tommy Lasorda’s autobiography, The Artful Dodger, is No. 969,216. You’re getting your butt kicked.
HOFBP
So?
HAHN
So since he’s dead, if you overtake him with a new book, he can’t come back at you.
HOFBP
(pauses for thought)
No, no no! You forget I’m a lawyer. I know you’re just trying to get me to resign so you don’t have to pay the rest of the millions in my contract. Not going to happen. (gets up) Forget it. I’m going back to listen to my show and work on remembering the names of the players on the roster.
HAHN
We considered that, and are offering to let you keep all the money.
HOFBP
(longer pause)
Still no.
HAHN
Then you’re fired.
HOFBP
You can’t do that. Jerry says so.
HAHN
You know how you like to lord it over players by saying they’ve just got a locker and you’ve got an office?
HOFBP
It’s true.
HAHN
Well, you’ve just got an office and I’ve got most of a big building.
HOFBP
Jerry! It’s happening! The worms are rising up!
HAHN
It’s fire you, or finally recover my manhood and resign. Either way, I’m out of a job, and this way I get to recover some little bit of self-respect. You’ve done terrible damage to a team I worked years to try to build into something good, and I can’t take it any more.
HOFBP
Oh … it’s that stupid chanting about the intentional walk, isn’t it?
HAHN
Nope. It’s everything, from abusing the starting pitching staff last year so they had nothing left in the tank at playoff time, to lineups, to pitching moves, to just being an unmitigated, arrogant jerk.
HOFBP
I’m taking this up the ladder.
(Ken Williams enters)
WILLIAMS
Rick … Hall-of-Famer Baseball Person.
HOFBP
Who are you?
WILLIAMS
I’m the executive vice-president of the White Sox.
HOFBP
Really? That’s a job?
WILLIAMS
It is, and I support Rick all the way.
HOFBP
Then you’ll be out of whatever that job is supposed to be.
WILLIAMS
Probably, but I’m 58 and a millionaire many times over, and you’ve made early retirement look really good. I suggest the resigning to work on your memoirs option, but, if you prefer, you’re fired, and good riddance.
HOFBP
Jerry! Jerry!
(a huge aura fills the room, with a giant head in the middle … think the appearance of The Wizard of Oz)
REINSDORF
(deep, threatening voice)
Who calls the mighty Wizard of White Sox?
WILLIAMS
Oh, cut it out, Mr. Reinsdorf, your eminence, sir. It was Hall-of-Famer Baseball Person.
REINSDORF
(steps out from the aura, revealing he’s just a small, wizened old man, like the actual Wizard … nods to each)
Ken … Rick … Hall-of-Famer Baseball Person. This better be good. I was just listening to one of my favorite episodes of The Shadow.
HOFBP
They’re saying if I don’t resign, they’ll fire me. Tell them they can’t do that.
REINSDORF
You can’t do that. I’m still alive. I think. (pinches himself) Yep.
WILLIAMS
Then we’ll resign.
REINSDORF
What’s your job, anyway?
WILLIAMS
I’m your executive vice-president.
REINSDORF
Don’t see why we need one of those.
HAHN
And I’m the general manager.
REINSDORF
May need one of those, I guess. Hall-of-Famer Baseball Person, you have front office experience ruining the Diamondbacks and Angels, don’t you?
HOFBP
Certainly.
REINSDORF
Then you can add general manager to your titles. I’ve been letting you run things, anyway. No increase in pay, though.
WILLIAMS
It’s not just us. The entire front office has agreed to quit as well, along with the ticket sellers and the parking lot attendants …
REINSDORF
Who needs ’em?
WILLIAMS
And the beer vendors who sell those $10.75 beers that line your pockets …
REINSDORF
Oh, maybe we should rethink this. (long pause, thinking) No, I can’t let it happen. I’d be admitting I made a mistake, with is something neither I nor the Hall-of-Famer Baseball Person ever do, which is why we’re friends.
HAHN
Oh, for Christ’s sa- … how about this? Hall-of-Famer Baseball Person remains the manager, but he’s banned from the dugout, the clubhouse, the field, the broadcast booths, the press conferences, speaking to any reporters or communicating with the team in any way. We hire an acting assistant manager to do he actual job, someone capable of handling it. You and he save face, we save the team. Hall-of-Famer Baseball Person can enjoy a long, stress-free vacation.
REINSDORF
You want me to pay someone else, too?
HAHN and WILLIAMS
(resignedly)
Take it out of our pay.
REINSDORF
Well, in that case, I don’t see a problem.
HOFBP
I still don’t like it. Except … if the team becomes good, can I take credit? And if it still stinks, can I blame that acting assistant guy?
HAHN
Why not?
HOFBP
You’ve got a deal. Let’s drink to it.
Curtain
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