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Lynn cosplays Keuchel in a LARPing loss, leading le White Sox into le dumpster

The White Sox try to break the .500 curse ... and slide down that hill again.

Chicago White Sox v Minnesota Twins
Lance Lynn brings his best stuff — right before he’s pulled.
David Berding/Getty Images

Happy Saturday, White Sox fans, and greetings from limbo, where the veil between dimensions is thinner, and things are kind of weird.

The White Sox looked to extend their four-game winning streak today, and although they fought until the bitter end, they fell to the Twins, 6-3. With the All Star break just around the corner, dipping below .500 again is like reliving the same bizarre day over and over again.

It’s Groundhog Day again, as the White Sox continue the climb to .500 again, again.

Although this series is important, today’s loss is only a blip in a newly-rejuvenated South Side unit. The competitiveness seems to have returned to the team, which hasn’t been better than .500 since May 25. And yet, they still have another chance to win this four-game series against the first-place Twins, tomorrow.

The stage was set with optimism today: During the first two games of this Twins series, the South Siders broke the spell of offensive apathy with their first string of multiple home run games in the entire season. With the Good Guys’ offense finally resurrected, Tim Anderson and Adam Engel both hit their first home runs since May last night, but failed to get past the track today. Although today’s loss and subsequent break of the winning streak sucks, at worst it means the White Sox can split this series with the Twins if they take this loss into tomorrow’s game.

Chicago White Sox v Minnesota Twins
International Pop Superstar Yoán Moncada went 3-for-3 today. He’s back.
David Berding/Getty Images

The atmosphere for White Sox fans is tense with will they/won’t they energy, and there is a strong desire for consistency. But this is the 2022 Chicago White Sox, where sneezing can land a world-class athlete on the injured list, ex-Cy Young winners get humiliated by histrionic triple-A lifers, and half of the fan base worships an alcoholic DUI-nosaur who snoozes in the dugout without consequence. Things are complicated on the South Side, where aforementioned bitter bearded exes spread rumors about the clubhouse because their fee-fees are hurt by players disliking their gargantuan egos. Luckily, despite today’s loss, the White Sox fought back and didn’t give up, and it was great to see.

Well, most of the White Sox didn’t give up. José Abreu has been on fire, reaching base in 22 straight games, with a notably patient 3-2 walk and a hit today. Yoán Moncada had three hits, and although clearly encumbered by the deficit of two position players, the heat was on throughout the lineup. The ghostly imprint of still-alive Hawk Harrelson was able to be heard wailing, “stretch! Get on back there!” every time a ball was sent to the track off of a White Sox bat, which was often. The mysterious atmosphere in limbo even had Tony La Russa’s BFF, Leury García, out of the lineup today, to the shock of many.

But some things never change despite living in limbo, as La Russa stared blankly ahead, his brain void of all activity, not noticing the weirdness in the air.

oooh eeee ooooh ah ahhh ting tang walla walla bing bang

Lance Lynn picked a horrible day to cosplay as Dallas Keuchel, but luckily, the ERA imitation is where it ended, as Lynn didn’t act like an overinflated walking bag of dicks and blame others for his lackluster performance. I would rather teach baseball to an entire classroom of impatient and hangry Lynn’s for a whole semester, than casually chat about baseball with Dallas for five minutes.

Lynn LARPS as Keuchel, but failed because he couldn’t figure out how to be universally despised.

That said, Lynn hasn’t been the same since coming back from his injury. He gave up three home runs today, and after each, you could see his wheels turning. He gave up no walks, and had six strikeouts, which shows he’s on track to be the pitcher he can be. Although vintage Lynn was sorely missed in the first half, his season is still fresh, and he may have needed these last few games to get back into his zone. This is an optimistic take, but watching Lynn’s pitching even out right before La Russa pulled him after the fifth inning, when he finally had total control, was a promising sign of things to come.

Win or lose tomorrow, the American League Central race continues to be tight, and anything can happen after All-Star Break.


Who was the MVP of the White Sox loss in Minneapolis?

This poll is closed

  • 13%
    José Abreu: 1-for-2, RBI, 2 BB, .115 WPA
    (17 votes)
  • 51%
    Yoán Moncada: 3-for-4, 2B, 2 R, .076 WPA
    (66 votes)
  • 35%
    Andrew Vaughn: 2-for-4, 2B, 2 RBI, K, .030 WPA
    (45 votes)
128 votes total Vote Now


Who was the Cold Cat of the White Sox loss in Minneapolis?

This poll is closed

  • 72%
    Lance Lynn: 5 IP, 7 H, 3 HR, 6 K, LOSS, -.288 WPA
    (87 votes)
  • 20%
    AJ Pollock: 0-for-4, K, GIDP, -.150 WPA
    (24 votes)
  • 7%
    Gavin Sheets: 0-for-4, K, -.147 WPA
    (9 votes)
120 votes total Vote Now