By now, every White Sox fans knows that the one bright spot in the Sox future is now in the Sox past, as Jason Benetti has moved over to announce for the Tigers. Yes, the Tigers, who will probably be less painful to announce for than the Sox for years to come.
Naturally, that means a thorough and professional search for a replacement, just like all thorough and professional White Sox searches. Hence, Jerry Reinsdorf calls in a lackey in order to tell him how to proceed with the search.
((Brief censored time out while JR turns toward the wall and lackey approaches and affixes lips properly.))
JR: I have some instructions on how you should proceed to get a new TV play-by-play announcer.
Lackey: Oh, thank goodness, we would have had no idea what to do were it not for your divine guidance. Please, please, tell me more.
Obvious best choice: Tony La Russa.
Brilliant, your lordship, absolutely brilliant, just it has been every time you have hired the Hall-of-Famer Baseball Person for other positions.
Excellent. He’s waiting in the conference room. Get it done.
Though he does tend to make everything about him.
Better than about the team we’re going to field.
And then there’s the question whether the TV audience will go for an announcer who falls asleep in the booth. Or passes out.
They’re likely to be asleep themselves, so that shouldn’t matter.
Plus there’s a general rule that the combined ages of the two announcers shouldn’t be more than 150.
Oh, alright. Next choice, Leury García.
We’re already paying him $5.5 million, might as well get some use out of him.
Can he speak well enough to fill in time on the air?
Might he have some lingering anti-Sox feelings?
Possibly. How about Barack Obama? He’s a big fan.
Excellent idea. But the booth would have to be enlarged for the Secret Service detail.
Didn’t think of that. There’s Chance the Rapper. Big fan, very popular, could do the entire broadcast in rhyme.
True enough. And he supported Kanye West for President, so ...
Oh. Maybe not. How about Jenny McCarthy? Huge Sox fan, and men would tune in just for a chance to see her in the booth. We could get a special cleavage version jersey made and ...
Perhaps not, sir, in the current political climate. She’s a rabid anti-vaxxer with all kinds of nutty ideas.
Then she’d fit in with some of the team. But I get your point, I guess. Too bad. Mr. T? George Wendt?
Getting into the age thing again. T is admittedly only 71, but he and Steve would hit the 150 mark after this season. How about Ozzie?
Ozzie Guillén? I don’t think so.
He tells it like it is on the postgame show.
Exactly the problem. We need someone who tells it like it isn’t. Steve only does that on social media, when he blames fans for everything. That’s a good thing. But on the broadcast? No. I think we should get Bob Bell.
The star of Bozo’s Circus. Everybody already accuses us of being a clown show, so why not go with it?
That Bob Bell has been dead for decades, sir.
Then his replacement. Joey somebody or other I think, last time I watched.
Step ahead of you there, your highness, but there’s another problem: Bozo was on WGN, which ties it to ...
Oh, yeah, Of course. Them. Ruining things again.
Liam Hendriks would be great, but we’d get in trouble with the censors. Besides, he’ll probably get signed by someone.
Which brings us to my original second choice — Southpaw. Everybody loves Southpaw.
But Southpaw doesn’t talk.
Which is perfect. The less said about this team, the better. And especially the less said about me.
Stoney would still be there to talk.
Then let’s dump him. Just let blessed silence reign supreme. Big money-saver.
Fans might think we’re just being cheap.
Then it’s your job to convince them otherwise. Sell it as “the real ballpark experience,” just background noise, the occasional PA announcement, just like at the ball park, but free!
Oh, great idea, your lordship. We could even fit in some ads for delivery of seriously overpriced hot dogs and beer between the spots for betting operations.
Am I brilliant or what? Get to work on that.
(Lackey rises to leave)
Aren’t you forgetting something? (turns toward wall)
Oh, so sorry your worship. (purses lips as he walks toward JR)