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An Open Letter to Oneil Cruz

Major League Baseball’s 2023 rules have changed, and here’s what you need to know

Heal soon, buddy.
| Justin K. Aller/Getty Images

Hi, Oneil Cruz. You don’t know me, and I don’t know you, but the collision yesterday on your late slide to home plate frightened me. No one ever wants to see a player get injured, and to see you grimacing in pain was jarring to everyone watching, not just to those who know and love you.

I am only a Pirates fan when your team is playing the Chicago Cubs, a team that I violently abhor with every fiber of my being, moreso in the last decade because their cesspit of a crumbing dilapidome is a stone’s throw from my backyard, and I often have to deal with the baseball-ignorant Wrigley Rats. I like rooting for your team, unless you’re playing my team, the Chicago White Sox. Even though you clearly were at fault for yesterday’s injury, I’m not mad at you.

The sigh of relief we all experienced when we read the news about your surgery and, all things concerned, how quickly you’ll be back on the field, was likely universal. Even though it’s bullshit that Seby Zavala was suspended after you ran full-throttle into his knee, and he stopped yelling at you the moment he realized you were seriously injured, we’re rooting for you.

I hope it’s sooner than later that you get to take the field again with your team. I wrote a song so others like you won’t forget that you should slide into the plate where there is a clear path, instead of late-sliding right into the catcher — which is a battle you are going to lose, every time.

Go easy on me when you listen to the song. I only gave myself an hour to record it and I hadn’t played my clarinet in a hot minute. Also, I thought I was on postgame coverage today, because I’m a hot mess. It’s hard out here.

You’ll be back soon, and it’s going to be OK.

Love,
Di Billick
South Side Sox


So many rule changes in the MLB:
Pitch clock, shift stop, bases that we all can see.
But one rule that will never be replaced:
You have to fucking slide when you run into the base.
We’re all glad you’re OK but you really need to fucking slide.
Rules will be broken, but that one you must abide.
You’ll break your own ankle if you don’t break up your stride.
Full speed into Seby’s knee, you did collide.
It was all your fault and that sentiment is worldwide.
Learn from your mistakes, don’t let it hurt your pride.
Now that this important rule has been clarified:
We hope you heal real soon and beat those bitches on the northside fuck the cubs

Get well soon

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