Imagine bringing nothing to your job, but still knowing you’re never getting fired. You perform the bare minimum, and as long as you refrain from reading the comments, ignorance is bliss, because the paychecks keep rolling in.
Well, White Sox fans, that’s what I’m going to do right now. I’m going to be as bad at writing as the White Sox are at baseball. I’m giving you the Diekman. I’ll probably still be pretty OK at it, but feel free to flay my ass in the comments.
In a short spurt of defense for the White Sox, I’ve been supportive thus far during this painful, early-season meltdown. Last week my dad, a South Sider with a long-storied and genial history of being a White Sox fan, proclaimed for the umpteenth time that he was done watching games. This past Saturday, I invited him over for lunch, warning him that the game would be on my TV.
I, unfortunately, do have to watch games, regardless of the dire circumstances. This man has a legacy brick at Guaranteed Rate Field, and yeah, I was the one who got it for him several years ago, but I know a part of his soul is in that stadium. For him to be aggressively opposed to watching the games, you know it’s bad.
Who can blame him, or anyone who stopped watching games? The White Sox are 7-16 and they have yet to win a series — or even two straight games. Boycotting watching games seems to be gaining traction as a popular movement, and not for any moral reasons, but because it’s been a harrowing experience.
Let’s face it. The White Sox suck.
Some of us will walk away, and some of us (including the author) are addicted, regardless of circumstance. My dad has taken the middle path:
So, dear reader, welcome to my personal cope fest. Here is a list of things that are more entertaining than the 2023 Chicago White Sox:
- The Cologuard commercial that played during the seventh inning, where the actors are singing about shitting in a cup and mail it to a facility for medical testing.
I loathe commercials (I’ve been in so many, my agent removed them from my résumé completely), but singing about shitting in a cup is hilarious.
- Ordering a Cologuard package, shitting in the cup, and sending it to an enemy “by accident.”
- Going on Reddit, finding a sub that about something you don’t understand or whose perspective wildly differs from yours, finding an interesting comment, clicking the username, reading all of the user’s posts, and downvoting them all. (There’s a Chicago Cubs subreddit, just saying).
- Imagining everyone in the White Sox front office getting fired.
- Saying, “OK, so now the season can start,” before every new series, as if the record to this point doesn’t count, then writing an article about things that are more entertaining than watching the worst team in baseball.
- Watching Mark Buehrle highlights for the hundredth time.
- Watching the Stanley Cup playoffs (Go Leafs).
- Watching the NBA playoffs (Go Lakers).
- Giving yourself a haircut.
- Playing video games (currently playing Final Fantasy VI from the Pixel Remaster collection, 12/10 recommend).
- Almost anything.
For those of you who still need some copium, feel free to grab from this list of excuses:
- We’ve played the hardest teams! We’ve had the fifth-hardest schedule.
- It’s still April. We’ll turn it around.
- We have the easiest remaining schedule in all of baseball.
- Even though we haven’t won a series, we’ve played pretty good ball and have almost won in many of those games.
- So many of our good guys are on the IL.
- We’ll warm up with the weather!
White Sox fans, if you need me, I’ll be violently undulating between the two extremes with the majority of you. At least we’re in this together. Go Bears!