White Sox fans, did you shit a brick when you saw that All Star voting is already open for the 2023 season? It seems that only yesterday we were calling the division rival Minnesota Twins as early-prediction AL Central champs, and now we get to see how practical we all were.
The White Sox have proven to be less-than-stellar so far this season, and that’s putting it kindly. Many of the South Siders on the All-Star ballot don’t deserve the vote (sans Jake Burger, and that can be argued), and they barely looked like a major league team even during this weekend’s series sweep. (I turned off the volume on my TV for Saturday’s game and played Yakety Sax instead, as it was more fitting.)
In trying times such as these, I look to the esoteric comfort of a piece of Old Comiskey Park — a brick salvaged from the original ballpark and purchased by Yours Truly at a Chicago White Sox yard sale for five bucks. Little did I know that when I grasped that brick for the first time, I was taking home an unassuming oracle, capable of divining the future of the White Sox organization.
White Sox fans have been struggling with the current state of the defunct rebuild since it began to fall apart after the 2021 playoff meltdown. Our hopes have been rising and falling quicker than José Canseco’s confusing hatred-boner for A-Rod, and it’s hard to make sense of where this organization is headed.
That’s where the brick comes in.
I, like you, have been awash in confusion during the last couple of South Side seasons, and am in dire need of insight from a connected source. The mysterious Comiskey Divination Brick knows all, so I decided that it’s now or never. We must unleash its power to gain insight. Just after midnight, with the moon’s beams dancing over Lake Michigan and into my window, I lit incense and asked our most burning questions about the White Sox. I hope you’re ready to get some mind-blowing information from the future.
Should Jerry Reinsdorf sell the team?
A change in ownership can bring fresh perspectives, new strategies, and potentially inject new resources into the organization, which could benefit the team. If Reinsdorf wishes to retire or focus on other aspects of his life, selling the team could allow him to do so. Either way, he’s going to die one day, just like you will die one day.
Is the White Sox rebuild officially over? Should we greatly lower our expectations to avoid disappointment?
Just after we get to know the black darkness, we are able to realize the light. We would not know the light if there was no darkness, and we would not know the darkness if there was no light. If we desire harmony, we need both of them. Therefore stop … and listen. You, too, will die one day. Your death is imminent, but you know not when it will come to pass.
Is Keynan Middleton the ace we’ve been waiting for?
The rays of the sun shine even through the darkest clouds. Keynan Middleton may be the only All-Star on the White Sox this season, but he will most certainly die one day, just like you, whose days are numbered and grow ever smaller with each moment that passes.
How many games will the White Sox win this year?
Just 78, but they will still win the division.
Will Pedro Grifol be the White Sox manager for more than two seasons?
If he doesn’t die, which you will most certainly do, and perhaps violently, some time in the future.
Who is the worst sports team in Chicago?
The White Sox are facing a pretty tough June schedule. How many series will the good guys win?
The White Sox are about to face teams that aren’t Little League-caliber, as are the teams in their own division. Despite this, because they’re not playing the Royals, they may have a chance at taking three series wins out of all the June series. Also, you are going to die.
Do you have any more otherworldly wisdom you’d like to share before we wrap up our divination session?
There you have it, White Sox fans. The Comiskey Divination Brick doesn’t like to give clear answers all the time, but I guess there was at least a little bit of insight offered. Judging from the brick’s vague non-answer, we can still hold out hope that Reinsdorf will sell the team more eagerly than Canseco sold an autographed syringe, his own finger, his world series ring, and his friends’ secrets to the highest bidder.
After I put the brick back onto the windowsill, next to my china cabinet and hiding from company, because it’s a crumbling, shitty old brick, and I have pretty nice things in my condo so it looks out of place when I don’t hide it, I sat in repose. With my mind clear, I remembered the 2005 Houston Trashtros, with a horrendous 19-32 start to their season. The 2006 St. Louis Cardinals were 83-78 in their regular season. The recent 2021 World Champion Atlanta Braves won 88 games in the regular season. Things change, and nothing can be predicted. All is not lost, White Sox fans, even if things look bleak.
Also, you’re going to die one day.