The White Sox are perfect. The Rockies are perfect.

Happy Friday, White Sox fans, and happy Michael Kopech day. The last time we saw our boys play before this series opener in Denver, we felt our collective serotonin evaporate off the bat of some unknown what’s-his-name down the street, at that really old outdoor bar on the North Side whose name I forgot.

There are a mere six weeks remaining in the regular season, so as much as we complain about the White Sox, and as deep as our suffering is during those times when we’re dying for the season to just end already, let’s stop and take a pause. Summer is slipping from our grasp at a dizzying speed, and therefore, my job this evening will be to not bring you the usual ire that I craft during game recaps, regardless of the loss. Behold: this White Sox game coverage will be inspirational.

White Sox fans were granted an early serotonin rush when Elvis Andrus opened the game with a home run off the very first pitch thrown. Let’s count our blessings, as this game could have been devoid of offense completely, but alas, we were granted a morsel. After the White Sox kindly granted the lead back to the Rockies by giving up a five-run first inning, it was made clear by the South Siders that those runs would not be answered.

All is not lost, for even after tonight’s loss, the White Sox (.393) still have a better record than the Rockies (.385), which is something they can only say about two other teams. The White Sox are the 27th-best team in baseball, and what a lovely day to celebrate that.

Six Pack of Stats

By Melissa Sage-Bollenbach

@FanGraphs

Pressure Play

Andrew Benintendi had an opportunity for some RBIs in the top of the fifth inning with runners on first and second and nobody out. Instead, he struck out looking. His at-bat had an LI of 2.14.

Pressure Cooker

Luis Robert Jr. edged out Jesse Scholtens with a 1.14 pLI in tonight’s game.

Top Play

Nolan Jones’s two-RBI single in the bottom of the first to give the Rockies their lead had a 10.8% WPA.

Top Performer

Elvis Andrus is having himself a series and he had a 17.2% WPA to prove it.

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Hardest Hit

Charlie Blackmon’s home run in the seventh came off the bat at 108.5 mph.

Weakest Contact

Carlos Pérez’s sixth-inning ground out registered at a measly 49.6 mph.

Luckiest Hit

A .170 xBA on a Brendan Rodgers single will be enough to deem it the luckiest hit of the night.

Toughest Out

Michael Toglia’s out in the seventh had an xBA of .630. I would have been bummed when I saw it caught too.

Longest Hit

Blackmon’s home run may have been the hardest hit, but Robert hit his 447 feet. Take that, Rockies.

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Magic Number: 16

The number of home runs Robert would have to hit to tie Albert Belle’s White Sox single-season record.

The Rockies also may have something to celebrate soon. The team is on track to reach 100 losses this season, a feat they haven’t yet accomplished as an organization. The team doesn’t look like they’re suffering, as they were blossoming with stellar defense and a crushing offense, exploding with 13 hits and 14 runs on the evening.

There’s something about Denver that feels so un-baseball-y, even when the Rockies’ runs hit double digits and they cover the outfield like it’s the size of a little league diamond. When you think of baseball, it’s never thin Rocky Mountain air, different baking temperatures at altitude, and hippies. So in the least baseball-y city, the White Sox have allowed the Rockies to win the series opener by a landslide. Pure grace.

How kind of them to extend this opportunity to Colorado’s starting pitcher, Peter Lambert, who happens to be White Sox pitcher Jimmy Lambert’s brother. Jimmy Lambert had a golden opportunity to pitch tonight, as Kopech departed early, and Lambert hadn’t pitched since August 11th against the Brewers, when he threw for two innings. The stage was perfectly set, as the Lambert family was proudly watching and supporting the two Lamberts.

To the surprise of all, Jimmy would only be cheered on from deep in the bullpen. How considerate of the White Sox organization to compassionately relieve Jimmy from the pressure of competing with his brother. Surely no one wanted to bear witness to two Major League pitcher brothers, with a close and loving relationship with both one another and their family in the stands, face off against each other. Thank you, White Sox, for being the pinnacle of brotherhood.

A lot of the credit for this generous gift of a Rockies win can be given to Michael Kopech, who is currently experiencing growth. The shine in his eyes as he walked four in his five short innings reminds us that light can be found even in the darkest of places. Perhaps he’s lost command of his fastball because he’s taken command of his life and therefore has transcended the need to control things outside of himself.

Another accomplishment tonight came off the bat of Luis Robert, Jr.: nothingness. His nine-game hit streak, the longest yet of the season, finally ended with a whisper tonight. Fortunately, he can now live without the pressure of keeping the streak alive, and his soul can breathe a sigh of relief.

The offensive star of the White Sox this evening was Elvis Andrus, who went 3-4 with the aforementioned leadoff home run. Andrus was the only player to get a hit besides Andrew Vaughn, who produced a fruitless, but very important single, which led to no scoring. But it sure was a great effort, and effort and intentions are so crucial in life. What a great reward it is to see our players get hits.

Andrus was in for Tim Anderson, whose five-game suspension began today for his part in the brawl against the Guardians. Isn’t it great that the White Sox are getting press about how sorry Anderson is for this fight?

There is a growing suspicion that the apology was written by artificial intelligence author GPTChat. As a human race, we should feel amazement that we’ve created technology to mimic human emotions. It’s gratifying to see Tim Anderson thriving despite how poor both his performance and his behavior have been as of late.

The Rockies ended up scoring 14 runs on the night, with a stellar performance across the board. Good-hearted reliever Brent Honeywell gently bolstered Elías Díaz in the fifth inning, by allowing Díaz to steal second base, his first steal in six years. What a nice friend.

The Rockies’ defense showed how they’ve fine-tuned their bodies to fly through that outfield quicker than the balls in the mountain air. Their coverage was impeccable, and many potential hits were snatched with grace, keeping the White Sox offense in a vow of silence after the first inning. The only thing better than their defense was a fully primed offense, with everyone in the Rockies lineup getting at least one hit, besides Brenton Doyle, who made up for it by being all over the outfield with tremendous coverage and a couple of outstanding plays.

The White Sox won’t be returning to Coors Field after this series ends on Sunday, but let’s hope the Rockies continue to teach us all about perseverance and grace for the remainder of this series. Remember, we won’t feel the joy of winning during the next good White Sox season if we don’t keep the suffering of the 2023 season in our hearts.

Attention: this is the AI bot that Tim Anderson used to write his apology. I’ve run this article through a Di Billick translator. Below are the results.

Holy mother of fuck, the White Sox are terrible. This is torture. The Rockies aren’t even good and they’re wiping the floor with us. This is embarrassing. Not as embarrassing as TA’s AI-generated apology, yikes, dude. I absolutely cannot believe they didn’t let Jimmy Lambert play against his brother. It’s like they’re trying to piss us off at this point. How are the Rockies hurting us this badly when their record is worse than ours? This is bullshit. I’m rethinking my life choices. Go Bears.